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16th Oct 09
Tim
Newspaper sales have declined so badly, The Onion points out, that 93 percent of all newspapers are now bought by kidnappers who need to prove what day it is when taking their ransom-demand photos.
According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, there is an ineffable quality to the printed page that kidnappers cannot get from its digital counterpart. Though there are other methods for proving the date of grainy, home-made videos, the source said that newspapers add a certain gravitas to abductions that news websites do not.
“Holding a laptop next to a kid’s head while blood is streaming from his nose just isn’t the same,” said the source, adding that printed materials remove any uncertainty about dates being altered with Photoshop or other digital manipulation software. “There’s just something about the feel of newsprint and the smell of ink coupled with the mildew odor of a windowless basement that can’t be replaced. Ultimately, I think newspapers make the whole thing more tangible and concrete for everyone involved.”
“They’re also great for wrapping up a severed ear and mailing it to the family when they don’t come through with the cash fast enough,” the source continued. “And I always enjoy reading For Better Or For Worse.”
Link: The Onion
